Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Possible Final Scenes From My As-Yet-Unwritten Blockbuster Action Thriller

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Tyler Proudstar (Jean-Claude Van Damme) uses the Baron's (Alan Rickman) speedboat to launch himself into the air, whereupon he simultaneously activates the boat's self-destruct mechanism and grabs hold of the stolen prototype helicopter. Using the dagger left to him by his late mentor Takeshi (Ving Rhames), he stabs the underbelly of the 'copter and is able to hold on for the duration of the 100-mile trip to the Baron's off-shore lair/casino. Before landing, Proudstar grabs hold of the rapidly spinning rotor blades, letting go at precisely the right moment to kick two approaching guards' heads together, coconut style. The Baron, now aware of Proudstar's presence, draws his gun and is about to fire, when Proudstar hurls a balled-up photograph of his parents (Brian Cox and Dame Judi Dench)--who were killed under vague circumstances when he was a child, quite possibly by the Baron himself--into the barrel of the Baron's gun, causing it to backfire and definitely injure but not necessarily kill the Baron, who is nowhere to be found when the smoke clears.

After hijacking a Boeing 747 in order to retrieve the stolen Magna Carta (on the back of which is written, in invisible ink, a lengthier version of the Magna Carta), Mack Fontana (Vin Diesel) tells inexperienced co-pilot Gregory (Owen Wilson) to fly the plane, kicks out the windshield, and climbs onto the plane's wing where the ambiguously foreign terrorist known only as "The Sabertooth Tiger" (Michael Caine) is affixing a device to the wing that will poison New York's water supply. With 600mph winds against his back, Fontana struggles to kick the vital component out of The Sabertooth Tiger's hands. It flies back into the 747's jet, which explodes, plunging the plane into a corkscrew spin. Recalling his training in the Himalayas, Fontana scrambles to stay upright on the constantly spinning plane. The Sabertooth Tiger does the same, and Fontana realizes (through jump-cut flashbacks accompanied by the sound of glass shattering) that his adversary must have trained at the same hidden temple, and is most likely responsible for the mysterious explosion that decimated said temple several years prior. Back in the cockpit, Gregory hilariously tries to regain control of the plain, to no avail. Kicking the controls in frustration, Gregory accidentally fixes the engine, stabilizes the plane, and sets a course for New York's JFK airport. In the meantime, The Sabertooth Tiger has pinned Fontana to the wing and is holding a knife to his neck.
"Didn't... you... hear?" says Fontana, wresting control of the knife. "Sabertooth Tigers are extinct." With that, Fontana kicks The Sabertooth Tiger off of the plane and directly onto the spire of the Empire State Building. The American Flag flutters overhead.

1 comment:

BuildingonFire said...

Win Victory's (Howie Long) ultra-lightweight personal space plane lands down on the desolate mountain where nuclear terrorist Wesley DeFlauve (Ben Kingsly) has taken over a military missle system.
DeFlauve yells out "You're too late, Victory! I'm in control! I will rule the world!"
Win grimaces in a tough manner and replies "DeFlauve! Stop this! You can't control it! The missle systems have become sentient. Those lousy robots will turn on you. And Give...ME...BACK...MY...SON!"
"Never! I hold all the cards. And all the sons! You lose, Win! You...lose?"
Just then one of the now-sentient nukebots rams a nuclear warhead through DeFlauve's chest. He dies a terrible death. ' Win looks around. There are nukebots everywhere! Through a series of well timed kung-fu/bazooka fusion moves, he wades through them until he gets to the main "brain" of the missle defense system that's gone beserk (voiced by Morgan Freeman.)
"I'm shutting you down, IB56A!"
"Not while I have your flesh offspring, Victory!"
BLAM! Win bazooka kicks the main terminal, freeing his son Brad (Shia LaBoef) and crippling the missle system. Brad runs to him.
The robotic voice of the missle system sounds angry now as it yells out, "You can't destroy me, Win Victory! I am information! I am POWER!."
Win turns to his son. "Blow it up, Brad."
Brad looks at him..."Are you sure, dad? That's where all of your memories are stored! If I blow it up, you'll never get them back!"
Win smiles at his son, seeing himself at that age. "Go ahead, Brad" he says. "Daddy knows best." Brad pulls the trigger of the laser gun, obliterating the mainframe of the military computer that had gone beserk and taken control of all of the armed forces' missle silos. Win grabs his son in a masculine embrace and triggers his boot rockets, flying off to home and his happy, supermodel wife (played by any supermodel).