From The Amigo Files: Police Cat

Movies I'd Like To See

You, Sir, Are A Scholar And A Gentleman

Check out this video of Fred Armisen auditioning for a tap dance troupe

Shameless Plug #2

My improv group Orphan Tycoon has two shows next week. Come check us out!

(Click picture=make bigger!)

Shameless Plug #1

(Click photo to make it bigger!)

Planets I'd Like To Visit

Earth-2
The Moon
Planet Hollywood
Jupiter

Rejected Carnival Attractions

Guess Your Favorite Baywatch Character
Frog Toss
Lester's Underwater Snake Pit
The Hot Dog Kingdom
Wrestle-A-Giraffe
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle: The Ride
"Axe Town"
The Hoagie That Time Forgot
Ned Franklin's '87 Chevy Pick-Up

Friday Fowl!

The Vulturine Guinea Fowl
(photo by F. Murray Abraham)

Possible Final Scenes From My As-Yet-Unwritten Blockbuster Action Thriller

Tyler Proudstar (Jean-Claude Van Damme) uses the Baron's (Alan Rickman) speedboat to launch himself into the air, whereupon he simultaneously activates the boat's self-destruct mechanism and grabs hold of the stolen prototype helicopter. Using the dagger left to him by his late mentor Takeshi (Ving Rhames), he stabs the underbelly of the 'copter and is able to hold on for the duration of the 100-mile trip to the Baron's off-shore lair/casino. Before landing, Proudstar grabs hold of the rapidly spinning rotor blades, letting go at precisely the right moment to kick two approaching guards' heads together, coconut style. The Baron, now aware of Proudstar's presence, draws his gun and is about to fire, when Proudstar hurls a balled-up photograph of his parents (Brian Cox and Dame Judi Dench)--who were killed under vague circumstances when he was a child, quite possibly by the Baron himself--into the barrel of the Baron's gun, causing it to backfire and definitely injure but not necessarily kill the Baron, who is nowhere to be found when the smoke clears.

After hijacking a Boeing 747 in order to retrieve the stolen Magna Carta (on the back of which is written, in invisible ink, a lengthier version of the Magna Carta), Mack Fontana (Vin Diesel) tells inexperienced co-pilot Gregory (Owen Wilson) to fly the plane, kicks out the windshield, and climbs onto the plane's wing where the ambiguously foreign terrorist known only as "The Sabertooth Tiger" (Michael Caine) is affixing a device to the wing that will poison New York's water supply. With 600mph winds against his back, Fontana struggles to kick the vital component out of The Sabertooth Tiger's hands. It flies back into the 747's jet, which explodes, plunging the plane into a corkscrew spin. Recalling his training in the Himalayas, Fontana scrambles to stay upright on the constantly spinning plane. The Sabertooth Tiger does the same, and Fontana realizes (through jump-cut flashbacks accompanied by the sound of glass shattering) that his adversary must have trained at the same hidden temple, and is most likely responsible for the mysterious explosion that decimated said temple several years prior. Back in the cockpit, Gregory hilariously tries to regain control of the plain, to no avail. Kicking the controls in frustration, Gregory accidentally fixes the engine, stabilizes the plane, and sets a course for New York's JFK airport. In the meantime, The Sabertooth Tiger has pinned Fontana to the wing and is holding a knife to his neck.
"Didn't... you... hear?" says Fontana, wresting control of the knife. "Sabertooth Tigers are extinct." With that, Fontana kicks The Sabertooth Tiger off of the plane and directly onto the spire of the Empire State Building. The American Flag flutters overhead.

Recommendations

If you like:
Checking


You will like:
Folding


Featuring Joe S

After The Pep Rally It's The Hotel Lobby

I asked Fernie to re-tool Ignition (Remix) by R. Kelly to reflect a subject we all care deeply about:

San Diego Area Public Schools…Remixed!

Awwwwww, San Diego Area Public Schools, ya’ll. The REEEEEEEEEEEEEMIX! You Ready? Yeah!

Mission Bay! Point Loma! Herbert Hoover! Patrick Henry! WE hear ya, San Diego Unified School District Public High Schools. We hear ya!

James Madison High! Warhawk PRIDE! Yes! Let’s hear about it, Madi-SON!

Got a New Media Center with all the ‘puters.

Got tech so high you know it’ll move ya. (yeah!)

Got a real nice quad where ya eat your lunch.

Got a great AP program you’ll love a bunch. (What!)

Got a bitchin’ librarian named Mr. Arnall.

Got a graffiti problem in the bathroom stall.

Warhawk! It’s the hawks of war. (Don’t you forget it!)

(56 seconds of scratching)

(Here comes the break!)

Allright, y’all! Coronado High! Representing Coronado Unified School district! 1998, named a National Blue Ribbon school! Only one of 198 in the whole damn country! How that make you feel?

(loud, enthusiastic screaming)

I SAID, How that make you FEEL?

(Louder screaming)

Now check this…

La Jolla High has an enrollment of 1648 students! 40% of whom come from underrepresented groups!

(What!)

(What!)

(What!)

(What?)

(What!)

(What!)

(What.)

Mira Mesa got three grand available in fall grants. Gotta get paid, ya’ll, gotta get them grants! Get ‘em! Get them grants!

(36 seconds of just the bass line)

That was the San Diego Unified School District…REEEEEEEEEEEEEEMIX! Word.

Welcome New Viewers

Tim Allen Gets A Call From His Agent

Jeff Westcott: Heya Tim, did I catch you at a bad time?

Tim Allen: Not at all Jeff--you caught me at a burger time.

JW: Oh, are you cooking burgers or something?

TA: Choo-choo! All aboard the BBQ express!

JW: Listen Tim, I need to talk to you about a job.

TA: The Santa Clause 4? I'll do it.

JW: No Tim. Not The Santa Clause 4.

TA: What, script troubles? If you want I can send over some of my notes. I've had some really interesting ideas about-

JW: Tim, no, please just listen. This is a serious script. Meaty. I think it could do wonders for you.

TA: Oh okay okay, I like it. I like where this is going. So what's the story? Do I turn into some kind of a bear?

JW: What? no.

TA: Do I unexpectedly morph into a troll on my wedding night?

JW: A troll? No Tim. There's no morphing.

TA: So it happens all of a sudden? I like what I'm hearing--that's definitely taking it to the next level.

JW: I'm sorry Tim, but I don't think you're understanding me. There's no shapeshifting of any kind.

TA: Not even something small, like growing elf ears? That could be good--nice and subtle.

JW: No Tim, no elf ears.

TA: Fangs?

JW: No.

TA: Little wings on my ankles like the ones Submariner has?

JW: Absolutely not.

TA: Okay okay, what about a beard-

JW: okay, maybe--

TA: -made of serpents?

JW: No! Tim, no serpent beards. Look, this is a serious dramatic role. You play a recovering alcoholic who makes a pilgrimage to Ireland to see his dying father one last time.

TA: I thought you said no elf ears.

JW: You're probably thinking of leprechauns, not elves, and they don't really exist.

TA: ...

JW: You there Tim?

TA: Yeah I'm here. It's just... I don't know if I can take a part that doesn't involve a comic physical transformation.

JW: Tim, are you in the house?

TA: On the deck.

JW: Okay, I want you to go inside to a bathroom.

TA: But I don't have to-

JW: Just do it Tim, I'm your agent.

TA: Alright...

JW: You there?

TA: Yeah I'm in the bathroom.

JW: Okay, now take a look in the mirror. You looking?

TA: Yes.

JW: Who do you see?

TA: What? I don't--

JW: WHO DO YOU SEE?!

TA: Me! I see me! I see... Tim.

JW: Are you sure? Take a closer look.

TA: It still looks like me, Jeff.

JW: You sure it doesn't look like Roger Callaghan, six months sober?

TA: Oh my god, you're right, it does!

JW: You better call a cab, Roger, your flight's in an hour.

TA: Thank you Jeff. You're the best. I'll do it.

Google Is The Best

Thanks to my brother for showing me this:

1. Go to Google
2. Click 'Maps'
3. Click 'Get Directions'
4. Go from 'New York, New York' to 'Paris, France'
5. Look at step 23

Possible Upcoming Zach Braff Vehicles

by Zach Braff



Zach Braff is Christopher Porter, a brilliant astrophysicist haunted by the death of his favorite uncle. Finding it increasingly difficult to balance his duties at NASA with his desire to live and love again, Christopher returns home to Palm Springs. There, he rekindles the flame with his high school sweetheart Laura (Angelina Jolie), and finds the strength to start his own Space Administration. Co-stars Seth Green as Christopher's wacky childhood friend, Clancy.

Zach Braff stars as Henry Finch, an Olympic sprinter facing suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs. Shunned by his team and country, Henry returns home to Akron, Ohio, where he gets a job coaching an inner-city track team. As he falls for headstrong English teacher Rebecca Vasquez (Mischa Barton), he realizes that his students have taught him the importance of self-respect. Co-stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the wacky biology teacher, Mr. FItzsimmons.

Chance McMurty (Zach Braff) is a happy, healthy firefighter... until he fails to save his brother from a warehouse blaze. Sinking deeper and deeper into depression, Chance returns home to Walla Walla, Washington, only to find that his family won't speak to him. With nowhere else to turn, he uses the money from his brother's life insurance policy to start a fledgling dermatology practice. There he meets Amy (Michelle Williams), whose poison ivy rash teaches Chance that time heals all wounds. Co-stars Casey Affleck as the troubled but wacky nurse practitioner.

Incredibly successful but frustrated concert pianist Nathan Bennington (Zach Braff) must decide between unexciting but dependable long-time girlfriend Karen (Elisha Cuthbert) and impassioned, unpredictable Isabella (Kate Bosworth). Co-stars Paul Rudd as Paolo, the wacky housepainter who teaches Nathan the value of overcoming obstacles.

Zach Braff graces the screen as Gregory Kincaid, a man who for some reason has to make out with Kiera Knightly for an hour and a half.

Crepe Restaurants I'd Like To See

You're Full Of Crepe
I Don't Need This Crepe
Planet Of The Crepes
Beneath The Planet Of The Crepes
Crepe Scott!
Big Smelly Crepes
Date Crepe
The Crepe Whistle
Bugsy's Joint

Recommendations

If you like:
The elemental symbol for lead


You will like:
Jai-alai


Guest-written by DC Pierson

Potatoes

Help from The Maltman
Barf noises by The Sweat

Recommendations

If you like:
Sim City 2000


You will like:
Real cities

Recommendations

If you like:
'30 Minute Meals' with Rachael Ray


You will like:
The Necronomicon

Recommendations

If you like:
Planing a sturdy piece of Pine on a brisk Spring morning


You will like:
Chingy

Recommendations

If you like:
The third season of 'Felicity'


You will like:
Keepin' it real