Tim Heidecker Stand-Up

Programs I Watched On TV During My Flight From LA To NY And Whether Or Not They Made Me Cry

Two and a Half Men: No
How I Met Your Mother: No
David Letterman Interview Segment: No
Bridge To Terabithia: Yes
Wings: No

No Shirt No Shoes No Service

Tonight I went out in SF with some old pals, and after our plans to go dancing were foiled by a bank robbery, Emily asked if we wanted to go to 'Slide,' some kind of establishment where you enter via a slide.

That sounded great! But we were foiled there too:

Doorman: Are you on the list?
Emily: No
Doorman: (Looking past Emily, at me) Sorry, but his hat.. and shoes
Me: But I was raised on the streets!
Doorman: No

We could see the slide from the street and it was all roped off and it didn't even look very fun.

Why Stop Now?

The Bourne Conundrum
Having finally discovered his original identity, Jason Bourne finds a long-hidden dossier revealing that everyone he has come into contact with in the past two years has thought that it was opposite day and thus gave Bourne inaccurate information. In an act of desperation, Bourne travels to the exotic locale of Borneo, where he meets a rogue agent who promises to tell Bourne all he wants to know if he is able to complete a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Minutes from finishing the puzzle, Bourne's source is killed by a chip embedded in his skull, once again dashing our hero's hopes of learning his true identity.

The Bourne Consternation
Jason Bourne wakes up on an aircraft carrier off the coast of Greenland, and learns that it is only 1990 and everything he thought he has experienced during the previous films has just been a dream. Fed up with his fruitless search for his true identity, Bourne retreats to Mali, where he finds work as a blacksmith. He finally finds the peace and solace he has sought for so long, only to discover that the entire nation of Mali is populated by actors, just like in The Truman Show, who all play a part in foiling Bourne's quest at every turn.

The Bourne Guarantor
Jason Bourne attempts to rent an apartment in Beijing but is unable to when the rental board insists that he provide a guarantor. After a dozen or so identity changes, his credit is shit.

The Bourne Long Form Improvisation
International adventurer Jason Bourne joins an improv troupe in Jakarta called 'A Laugh A Minute,' and receives the audience suggestion of 'Lawyer.'

The Bourne Wisconsin
Exactly the same as The Bourne Identity, only in Wisconsin.

The Bourne Pinot Grigio
Jason Bourne gets hammered in an apartment in Manhattan's Lower East Side.

From The Amigo Files: Police Cat

I know I just posted a Police Cat sketch but these guys just keep putting up winners!

My Dream Restaurant

I've often talked about opening my own restaurant, something along the lines of Medieval Times but without all the costumes and mindless entertainment. Here's a menu for the proposed eatery (click to make it bigger):

I'm A Catch

Inspired by a wonderful post from my colleague Thoroughly Modern Morgan, I thought I'd give a run-down of a recent date I went on:

6:35pm-Leave my apartment to go meet my date. Since I skipped lunch, on the way I get a quick slice of pizza (pepperoni)

7:00pm-Meet my date at Baci & Abbracci, a great restaurant in Williamsburg known for their delicious pizza (I picked out the restaurant--shows I'm classy and like to stay close to home in case of emergencies, which is another sign of class)

7:05-She orders a Cabernet Sauvignon. I opt for two glasses of Sprite (I like to get two right off the bat so I don't have to wait for the refill--preparedness=security=good husband)

7:20-Our food arrives. She gets a goat cheese and roasted beet salad to start and the pumpkin ravioli special. I start with a sausage and porcini mushroom pizza, and dig into a spinach, pine nut and ricotta pizza for the main course. We share a laugh admiring the wonders and eccentricities of old age (re: I laugh when an elderly man trips on the restaurant's patio steps)

7:50pm-I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and sneak out of the restaurant to grab a quick slice of pizza from nearby Driggs Pizza. I sprint the whole way

8:00pm-Drenched in sweat, I return to my seat and we pay the bill (I have lost my wallet at some point during the run back. Oops!). Off to the movies! (In The Land of Women!!)

8:30pm-In the lobby of the movie theater, I trade clothes with my old college friend Harry, who kind of looks like me. I send him into the theater while I go to Pie By The Pound on 4th Ave, and eat 2.5 pounds of pizza by myself (I put it on my tab)

10:30pm-Having completely forgotten about my date I return home, where I fashion a crude pizza out of pita bread, mashed up cherry tomatoes and melted string cheese. Delicious!

11:45pm-I text my date to ask which she likes more--Robocop I or II. No response! LAME!!

Recommendations

If you like:
Scorpion


You will like:
The circle of life

Recommendations

If you like:
Secrets


You will like:
Kerri Strug's inspirational victory on the vault at the 1996 Summer Olympic Games

Recommendations

If you like:
Sandy Cohen's sporadic moral ambivalence


You will like:
This picture of a porkpie hat

Hehe

Improv Show Tonight

Come check out my improv group, Orphan Tycoon!

Rififi
332 East 11th
10pm
$5

Try to get there early, we're the first group and it could get pretty crowded