Tim Heidecker Stand-Up

Tim Allen Gets A Call From His Agent

Jeff Westcott: Heya Tim, did I catch you at a bad time?

Tim Allen: Not at all Jeff--you caught me at a burger time.

JW: Oh, are you cooking burgers or something?

TA: Choo-choo! All aboard the BBQ express!

JW: Listen Tim, I need to talk to you about a job.

TA: The Santa Clause 4? I'll do it.

JW: No Tim. Not The Santa Clause 4.

TA: What, script troubles? If you want I can send over some of my notes. I've had some really interesting ideas about-

JW: Tim, no, please just listen. This is a serious script. Meaty. I think it could do wonders for you.

TA: Oh okay okay, I like it. I like where this is going. So what's the story? Do I turn into some kind of a bear?

JW: What? no.

TA: Do I unexpectedly morph into a troll on my wedding night?

JW: A troll? No Tim. There's no morphing.

TA: So it happens all of a sudden? I like what I'm hearing--that's definitely taking it to the next level.

JW: I'm sorry Tim, but I don't think you're understanding me. There's no shapeshifting of any kind.

TA: Not even something small, like growing elf ears? That could be good--nice and subtle.

JW: No Tim, no elf ears.

TA: Fangs?

JW: No.

TA: Little wings on my ankles like the ones Submariner has?

JW: Absolutely not.

TA: Okay okay, what about a beard-

JW: okay, maybe--

TA: -made of serpents?

JW: No! Tim, no serpent beards. Look, this is a serious dramatic role. You play a recovering alcoholic who makes a pilgrimage to Ireland to see his dying father one last time.

TA: I thought you said no elf ears.

JW: You're probably thinking of leprechauns, not elves, and they don't really exist.

TA: ...

JW: You there Tim?

TA: Yeah I'm here. It's just... I don't know if I can take a part that doesn't involve a comic physical transformation.

JW: Tim, are you in the house?

TA: On the deck.

JW: Okay, I want you to go inside to a bathroom.

TA: But I don't have to-

JW: Just do it Tim, I'm your agent.

TA: Alright...

JW: You there?

TA: Yeah I'm in the bathroom.

JW: Okay, now take a look in the mirror. You looking?

TA: Yes.

JW: Who do you see?

TA: What? I don't--

JW: WHO DO YOU SEE?!

TA: Me! I see me! I see... Tim.

JW: Are you sure? Take a closer look.

TA: It still looks like me, Jeff.

JW: You sure it doesn't look like Roger Callaghan, six months sober?

TA: Oh my god, you're right, it does!

JW: You better call a cab, Roger, your flight's in an hour.

TA: Thank you Jeff. You're the best. I'll do it.

Possible Upcoming Zach Braff Vehicles

by Zach Braff



Zach Braff is Christopher Porter, a brilliant astrophysicist haunted by the death of his favorite uncle. Finding it increasingly difficult to balance his duties at NASA with his desire to live and love again, Christopher returns home to Palm Springs. There, he rekindles the flame with his high school sweetheart Laura (Angelina Jolie), and finds the strength to start his own Space Administration. Co-stars Seth Green as Christopher's wacky childhood friend, Clancy.

Zach Braff stars as Henry Finch, an Olympic sprinter facing suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs. Shunned by his team and country, Henry returns home to Akron, Ohio, where he gets a job coaching an inner-city track team. As he falls for headstrong English teacher Rebecca Vasquez (Mischa Barton), he realizes that his students have taught him the importance of self-respect. Co-stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the wacky biology teacher, Mr. FItzsimmons.

Chance McMurty (Zach Braff) is a happy, healthy firefighter... until he fails to save his brother from a warehouse blaze. Sinking deeper and deeper into depression, Chance returns home to Walla Walla, Washington, only to find that his family won't speak to him. With nowhere else to turn, he uses the money from his brother's life insurance policy to start a fledgling dermatology practice. There he meets Amy (Michelle Williams), whose poison ivy rash teaches Chance that time heals all wounds. Co-stars Casey Affleck as the troubled but wacky nurse practitioner.

Incredibly successful but frustrated concert pianist Nathan Bennington (Zach Braff) must decide between unexciting but dependable long-time girlfriend Karen (Elisha Cuthbert) and impassioned, unpredictable Isabella (Kate Bosworth). Co-stars Paul Rudd as Paolo, the wacky housepainter who teaches Nathan the value of overcoming obstacles.

Zach Braff graces the screen as Gregory Kincaid, a man who for some reason has to make out with Kiera Knightly for an hour and a half.