Commedia Dell'farte

Don't Worry

2007-09-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

Things are gonna change around here, just you wait

Goose Cum

2007-07-14T14:52:00.001-07:00

Lost In Iceland

2007-06-26T22:29:00.001-07:00

Hire Us For Your Bar Mitzvah Or Ice Cream Social

2007-06-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

Dylan Meets Danzig

2007-06-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

Danzig's House

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Lesser Known Mythological Creatures

2007-06-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

The Clam King
Bagelthor
Solarion Horowitz, Tax Attorney Of The Sun
Andre Agassi Made Of Fire
Nibbles

Commedia Dell'Farte On McSweeney's!

2007-06-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

Check it out here

From The Amigo Files: Police Cat

2007-06-11T12:44:00.001-07:00

I'm in this, as the guy who cleans the car windshield and the guy who takes condiments out of his pockets.

Some Great Ideas

2007-06-06T22:08:00.000-07:00

Panic Attack Submarine (idea by Jay)
This is a reality television series in which 8-12 people who suffer from panic attacks live and work together on a submarine.

Fixins Mule (idea by Jason)
This one's pretty self-explanatory. It's a mule that emerges from saloon-style swinging doors at a restaurant to serve fixins to customers--kind of like a moving, breathing salad bar. The mule has saddlebags which hold the various fixins, and wears a sombrero filled with chips. This is a great idea because it is both entertaining and efficient. Not to be confused with Condiment Hawk.

Intelligent Cat (idea by me)
This one takes a pretty good thing--a cat--and makes it even better by making it not so annoying.

Movies I'd Like To See

2007-06-06T05:05:00.000-07:00

Historical Jams, Part I

2007-06-05T06:33:00.001-07:00

Versailles, France
1778
To celebrate the birth of his first child, Louis XVI throws a costume party. After hors d'oeuvres and champagne are served, one of Marie Antoinette's ladies-in-waiting presents the royal couple with a jar of imported quince preserve that has been improperly sealed. Upon opening the gift a foul odor fills the hall, inciting a rumor that the Queen has farted and planting a seed of discontent amongst the people of Versailles

Athens, Greece
450 BC
A young Socrates enters his homemade fig jam in the local fair. He places a disappointing third, and in a fit of rage vows to dedicate his life to the pursuit of knowledge and the betterment of his community. He also invents that carnival game where you hit a sensor with a sledgehammer and try to make the bell ring

The Garden of Eden
Beginning of time
After eating from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve decide to use their leftovers to make a scrumptious apple jelly. It stimulates their minds so much that they invent the concept we now know as 'imagination'

Professions Clint Eastwood Would Be Good At

2007-06-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

Welder
White House Press Secretary
Drive-Thru Window Operator
Horse-Puncher
Sandpaper Substitute

Professions Clint Eastwood Would Be Bad At

2007-06-04T06:12:00.000-07:00

Babysitter
Child Psychologist
Repertory Dance Company Choreographer
Flight Attendant
Tennis Ball Boy
Someone Whose Job It Is To Lose Shootouts
Midwife

QRAD FM Radio: Primetime with Phil Landry

2007-06-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

Phil Landry: Hey ho hip hey! I'm here with Marcus Marcus, world-famous magician and illusionist. Mr. Marcus was kind enough to come on our show before he performs tonight at the United Nations. Mr. Marcus, before we get to the magic, what's it like performing for the most powerful people in the world?

Marcus Marcus: Well I haven't performed in front of a self-portal--what you know as a "mirror"--so I wouldn't know.

PL: Haha, fair enough Mr. Marcus. How did you get your start in this field?

MM: On the thirteenth anniversary of my entrance into this realm, I participated in a spiritual ceremony that filled me with powers I had until then only dreamed of.

PL: You were bar-mitzvahed?

MM: That's right.

PL: Now, one more thing before you demonstrate your craft--you've gone on record saying that you use no gadgetry or props when you perform.

MM: Only these.

PL: For our listeners, Mr. Marcus is holding up his hands.

MM: They can open doors--

PL: Of course they can Mr.--

MM: --to other worlds.

PL: Oh... I see. Well shall we get started?

MM: Yes, let's. Here, take this 19th century French Sabre.

PL: Oh wow, what a beauty.

MM: Now cut my hand off.

PL: Haha, I don't think so Mr. Marcus.

MM: Cut it off, Phil Landry. Cut my hand off with the sword.

PL: No no, I couldn't possibly-

MM: There is fear in your heart, I can tell.

PL: Haha, just fear of a lawsuit Mr. Marcus. And maiming you.

MM: Cut it off now!

PL: Alright, alright! Here I go... DEAR GOD! This is unbelievable! Folks, I can barely believe my eyes, but I'm now holding Mr. Marcus hand, and the sword is where is hand should be!

MM: Oh jeez, oh no.

PL: What? Man, this is unreal!

MM: Sweet mercy this is really not what I meant to do.

PL: Oh wow, wow! Now the hand is running around the room! How'd you do that?!

MM: No Phil Landry! This is all wrong! It was a fake hand and you were supposed to cut it off! This is really, really bad.

PL: All I can say is bravo, Mr. Marcus. Bravo. I just wish our listeners at home could have seen this. I mean wow. Nuts.

MM: It hurts so much, Phil Landry. It hurts where the sword is coming out of my wrist.

PL: Haha, you're too much Mr. Marcus. Thanks for coming on the show.

MM: Oh great, my hand just ran into a paper shredder. I'm not even sure why you need a paper shredder in a radio studio. Fuck.

Tim Heidecker Stand-Up

2007-05-31T18:18:00.001-07:00

Programs I Watched On TV During My Flight From LA To NY And Whether Or Not They Made Me Cry

2007-05-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

Two and a Half Men: No
How I Met Your Mother: No
David Letterman Interview Segment: No
Bridge To Terabithia: Yes
Wings: No

No Shirt No Shoes No Service

2007-05-25T02:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went out in SF with some old pals, and after our plans to go dancing were foiled by a bank robbery, Emily asked if we wanted to go to 'Slide,' some kind of establishment where you enter via a slide.

That sounded great! But we were foiled there too:

Doorman: Are you on the list?
Emily: No
Doorman: (Looking past Emily, at me) Sorry, but his hat.. and shoes
Me: But I was raised on the streets!
Doorman: No

We could see the slide from the street and it was all roped off and it didn't even look very fun.

Why Stop Now?

2007-05-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

The Bourne Conundrum
Having finally discovered his original identity, Jason Bourne finds a long-hidden dossier revealing that everyone he has come into contact with in the past two years has thought that it was opposite day and thus gave Bourne inaccurate information. In an act of desperation, Bourne travels to the exotic locale of Borneo, where he meets a rogue agent who promises to tell Bourne all he wants to know if he is able to complete a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Minutes from finishing the puzzle, Bourne's source is killed by a chip embedded in his skull, once again dashing our hero's hopes of learning his true identity.

The Bourne Consternation
Jason Bourne wakes up on an aircraft carrier off the coast of Greenland, and learns that it is only 1990 and everything he thought he has experienced during the previous films has just been a dream. Fed up with his fruitless search for his true identity, Bourne retreats to Mali, where he finds work as a blacksmith. He finally finds the peace and solace he has sought for so long, only to discover that the entire nation of Mali is populated by actors, just like in The Truman Show, who all play a part in foiling Bourne's quest at every turn.

The Bourne Guarantor
Jason Bourne attempts to rent an apartment in Beijing but is unable to when the rental board insists that he provide a guarantor. After a dozen or so identity changes, his credit is shit.

The Bourne Long Form Improvisation
International adventurer Jason Bourne joins an improv troupe in Jakarta called 'A Laugh A Minute,' and receives the audience suggestion of 'Lawyer.'

The Bourne Wisconsin
Exactly the same as The Bourne Identity, only in Wisconsin.

The Bourne Pinot Grigio
Jason Bourne gets hammered in an apartment in Manhattan's Lower East Side.

From The Amigo Files: Police Cat

2007-05-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

I know I just posted a Police Cat sketch but these guys just keep putting up winners!

My Dream Restaurant

2007-05-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

I've often talked about opening my own restaurant, something along the lines of Medieval Times but without all the costumes and mindless entertainment. Here's a menu for the proposed eatery (click to make it bigger):

I'm A Catch

2007-05-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a wonderful post from my colleague Thoroughly Modern Morgan, I thought I'd give a run-down of a recent date I went on:

6:35pm-Leave my apartment to go meet my date. Since I skipped lunch, on the way I get a quick slice of pizza (pepperoni)

7:00pm-Meet my date at Baci & Abbracci, a great restaurant in Williamsburg known for their delicious pizza (I picked out the restaurant--shows I'm classy and like to stay close to home in case of emergencies, which is another sign of class)

7:05-She orders a Cabernet Sauvignon. I opt for two glasses of Sprite (I like to get two right off the bat so I don't have to wait for the refill--preparedness=security=good husband)

7:20-Our food arrives. She gets a goat cheese and roasted beet salad to start and the pumpkin ravioli special. I start with a sausage and porcini mushroom pizza, and dig into a spinach, pine nut and ricotta pizza for the main course. We share a laugh admiring the wonders and eccentricities of old age (re: I laugh when an elderly man trips on the restaurant's patio steps)

7:50pm-I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and sneak out of the restaurant to grab a quick slice of pizza from nearby Driggs Pizza. I sprint the whole way

8:00pm-Drenched in sweat, I return to my seat and we pay the bill (I have lost my wallet at some point during the run back. Oops!). Off to the movies! (In The Land of Women!!)

8:30pm-In the lobby of the movie theater, I trade clothes with my old college friend Harry, who kind of looks like me. I send him into the theater while I go to Pie By The Pound on 4th Ave, and eat 2.5 pounds of pizza by myself (I put it on my tab)

10:30pm-Having completely forgotten about my date I return home, where I fashion a crude pizza out of pita bread, mashed up cherry tomatoes and melted string cheese. Delicious!

11:45pm-I text my date to ask which she likes more--Robocop I or II. No response! LAME!!

Recommendations

2007-05-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

If you like:
Scorpion

You will like:
The circle of life

Recommendations

2007-05-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

If you like:
Secrets

You will like:
Kerri Strug's inspirational victory on the vault at the 1996 Summer Olympic Games

Recommendations

2007-05-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

If you like:
Sandy Cohen's sporadic moral ambivalence

You will like:
This picture of a porkpie hat

Hehe

2007-05-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

Improv Show Tonight

2007-05-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

Come check out my improv group, Orphan Tycoon!

Rififi
332 East 11th
10pm
$5

Try to get there early, we're the first group and it could get pretty crowded

From The Amigo Files: Police Cat

2007-04-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Movies I'd Like To See

2007-04-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

You, Sir, Are A Scholar And A Gentleman

2007-04-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Check out this video of Fred Armisen auditioning for a tap dance troupe

Shameless Plug #2

2007-04-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

My improv group Orphan Tycoon has two shows next week. Come check us out!

(Click picture=make bigger!)

Shameless Plug #1

2007-04-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

(Click photo to make it bigger!)

Planets I'd Like To Visit

2007-04-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

Earth-2
The Moon
Planet Hollywood
Jupiter

Rejected Carnival Attractions

2007-04-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

Guess Your Favorite Baywatch Character
Frog Toss
Lester's Underwater Snake Pit
The Hot Dog Kingdom
Wrestle-A-Giraffe
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle: The Ride
"Axe Town"
The Hoagie That Time Forgot
Ned Franklin's '87 Chevy Pick-Up

Friday Fowl!

2007-04-20T06:09:00.000-07:00

The Vulturine Guinea Fowl
(photo by F. Murray Abraham)

Possible Final Scenes From My As-Yet-Unwritten Blockbuster Action Thriller

2007-04-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

Tyler Proudstar (Jean-Claude Van Damme) uses the Baron's (Alan Rickman) speedboat to launch himself into the air, whereupon he simultaneously activates the boat's self-destruct mechanism and grabs hold of the stolen prototype helicopter. Using the dagger left to him by his late mentor Takeshi (Ving Rhames), he stabs the underbelly of the 'copter and is able to hold on for the duration of the 100-mile trip to the Baron's off-shore lair/casino. Before landing, Proudstar grabs hold of the rapidly spinning rotor blades, letting go at precisely the right moment to kick two approaching guards' heads together, coconut style. The Baron, now aware of Proudstar's presence, draws his gun and is about to fire, when Proudstar hurls a balled-up photograph of his parents (Brian Cox and Dame Judi Dench)--who were killed under vague circumstances when he was a child, quite possibly by the Baron himself--into the barrel of the Baron's gun, causing it to backfire and definitely injure but not necessarily kill the Baron, who is nowhere to be found when the smoke clears.

After hijacking a Boeing 747 in order to retrieve the stolen Magna Carta (on the back of which is written, in invisible ink, a lengthier version of the Magna Carta), Mack Fontana (Vin Diesel) tells inexperienced co-pilot Gregory (Owen Wilson) to fly the plane, kicks out the windshield, and climbs onto the plane's wing where the ambiguously foreign terrorist known only as "The Sabertooth Tiger" (Michael Caine) is affixing a device to the wing that will poison New York's water supply. With 600mph winds against his back, Fontana struggles to kick the vital component out of The Sabertooth Tiger's hands. It flies back into the 747's jet, which explodes, plunging the plane into a corkscrew spin. Recalling his training in the Himalayas, Fontana scrambles to stay upright on the constantly spinning plane. The Sabertooth Tiger does the same, and Fontana realizes (through jump-cut flashbacks accompanied by the sound of glass shattering) that his adversary must have trained at the same hidden temple, and is most likely responsible for the mysterious explosion that decimated said temple several years prior. Back in the cockpit, Gregory hilariously tries to regain control of the plain, to no avail. Kicking the controls in frustration, Gregory accidentally fixes the engine, stabilizes the plane, and sets a course for New York's JFK airport. In the meantime, The Sabertooth Tiger has pinned Fontana to the wing and is holding a knife to his neck.
"Didn't... you... hear?" says Fontana, wresting control of the knife. "Sabertooth Tigers are extinct." With that, Fontana kicks The Sabertooth Tiger off of the plane and directly onto the spire of the Empire State Building. The American Flag flutters overhead.

Recommendations

2007-04-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

If you like:
Checking

You will like:
Folding

Featuring Joe S

After The Pep Rally It's The Hotel Lobby

2007-04-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

I asked Fernie to re-tool Ignition (Remix) by R. Kelly to reflect a subject we all care deeply about:

San Diego Area Public Schools…Remixed!

Awwwwww, San Diego Area Public Schools, ya’ll. The REEEEEEEEEEEEEMIX! You Ready? Yeah!

Mission Bay! Point Loma! Herbert Hoover! Patrick Henry! WE hear ya, San Diego Unified School District Public High Schools. We hear ya!

James Madison High! Warhawk PRIDE! Yes! Let’s hear about it, Madi-SON!

Got a New Media Center with all the ‘puters.

Got tech so high you know it’ll move ya. (yeah!)

Got a real nice quad where ya eat your lunch.

Got a great AP program you’ll love a bunch. (What!)

Got a bitchin’ librarian named Mr. Arnall.

Got a graffiti problem in the bathroom stall.

Warhawk! It’s the hawks of war. (Don’t you forget it!)

(56 seconds of scratching)

(Here comes the break!)

Allright, y’all! Coronado High! Representing Coronado Unified School district! 1998, named a National Blue Ribbon school! Only one of 198 in the whole damn country! How that make you feel?

(loud, enthusiastic screaming)

I SAID, How that make you FEEL?

(Louder screaming)

Now check this…

La Jolla High has an enrollment of 1648 students! 40% of whom come from underrepresented groups!

(What!)

(What!)

(What!)

(What?)

(What!)

(What!)

(What.)

Mira Mesa got three grand available in fall grants. Gotta get paid, ya’ll, gotta get them grants! Get ‘em! Get them grants!

(36 seconds of just the bass line)

That was the San Diego Unified School District…REEEEEEEEEEEEEEMIX! Word.

Welcome New Viewers

2007-04-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

Tim Allen Gets A Call From His Agent

2007-04-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

Jeff Westcott: Heya Tim, did I catch you at a bad time?

Tim Allen: Not at all Jeff--you caught me at a burger time.

JW: Oh, are you cooking burgers or something?

TA: Choo-choo! All aboard the BBQ express!

JW: Listen Tim, I need to talk to you about a job.

TA: The Santa Clause 4? I'll do it.

JW: No Tim. Not The Santa Clause 4.

TA: What, script troubles? If you want I can send over some of my notes. I've had some really interesting ideas about-

JW: Tim, no, please just listen. This is a serious script. Meaty. I think it could do wonders for you.

TA: Oh okay okay, I like it. I like where this is going. So what's the story? Do I turn into some kind of a bear?

JW: What? no.

TA: Do I unexpectedly morph into a troll on my wedding night?

JW: A troll? No Tim. There's no morphing.

TA: So it happens all of a sudden? I like what I'm hearing--that's definitely taking it to the next level.

JW: I'm sorry Tim, but I don't think you're understanding me. There's no shapeshifting of any kind.

TA: Not even something small, like growing elf ears? That could be good--nice and subtle.

JW: No Tim, no elf ears.

TA: Fangs?

JW: No.

TA: Little wings on my ankles like the ones Submariner has?

JW: Absolutely not.

TA: Okay okay, what about a beard-

JW: okay, maybe--

TA: -made of serpents?

JW: No! Tim, no serpent beards. Look, this is a serious dramatic role. You play a recovering alcoholic who makes a pilgrimage to Ireland to see his dying father one last time.

TA: I thought you said no elf ears.

JW: You're probably thinking of leprechauns, not elves, and they don't really exist.

TA: ...

JW: You there Tim?

TA: Yeah I'm here. It's just... I don't know if I can take a part that doesn't involve a comic physical transformation.

JW: Tim, are you in the house?

TA: On the deck.

JW: Okay, I want you to go inside to a bathroom.

TA: But I don't have to-

JW: Just do it Tim, I'm your agent.

TA: Alright...

JW: You there?

TA: Yeah I'm in the bathroom.

JW: Okay, now take a look in the mirror. You looking?

TA: Yes.

JW: Who do you see?

TA: What? I don't--

JW: WHO DO YOU SEE?!

TA: Me! I see me! I see... Tim.

JW: Are you sure? Take a closer look.

TA: It still looks like me, Jeff.

JW: You sure it doesn't look like Roger Callaghan, six months sober?

TA: Oh my god, you're right, it does!

JW: You better call a cab, Roger, your flight's in an hour.

TA: Thank you Jeff. You're the best. I'll do it.

Google Is The Best

2007-04-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my brother for showing me this:

1. Go to Google
2. Click 'Maps'
3. Click 'Get Directions'
4. Go from 'New York, New York' to 'Paris, France'
5. Look at step 23

Possible Upcoming Zach Braff Vehicles

2007-04-06T17:41:00.001-07:00

by Zach Braff

Zach Braff is Christopher Porter, a brilliant astrophysicist haunted by the death of his favorite uncle. Finding it increasingly difficult to balance his duties at NASA with his desire to live and love again, Christopher returns home to Palm Springs. There, he rekindles the flame with his high school sweetheart Laura (Angelina Jolie), and finds the strength to start his own Space Administration. Co-stars Seth Green as Christopher's wacky childhood friend, Clancy.

Zach Braff stars as Henry Finch, an Olympic sprinter facing suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs. Shunned by his team and country, Henry returns home to Akron, Ohio, where he gets a job coaching an inner-city track team. As he falls for headstrong English teacher Rebecca Vasquez (Mischa Barton), he realizes that his students have taught him the importance of self-respect. Co-stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the wacky biology teacher, Mr. FItzsimmons.

Chance McMurty (Zach Braff) is a happy, healthy firefighter... until he fails to save his brother from a warehouse blaze. Sinking deeper and deeper into depression, Chance returns home to Walla Walla, Washington, only to find that his family won't speak to him. With nowhere else to turn, he uses the money from his brother's life insurance policy to start a fledgling dermatology practice. There he meets Amy (Michelle Williams), whose poison ivy rash teaches Chance that time heals all wounds. Co-stars Casey Affleck as the troubled but wacky nurse practitioner.

Incredibly successful but frustrated concert pianist Nathan Bennington (Zach Braff) must decide between unexciting but dependable long-time girlfriend Karen (Elisha Cuthbert) and impassioned, unpredictable Isabella (Kate Bosworth). Co-stars Paul Rudd as Paolo, the wacky housepainter who teaches Nathan the value of overcoming obstacles.

Zach Braff graces the screen as Gregory Kincaid, a man who for some reason has to make out with Kiera Knightly for an hour and a half.

Crepe Restaurants I'd Like To See

2007-04-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

You're Full Of Crepe
I Don't Need This Crepe
Planet Of The Crepes
Beneath The Planet Of The Crepes
Crepe Scott!
Big Smelly Crepes
Date Crepe
The Crepe Whistle
Bugsy's Joint

Recommendations

2007-04-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

If you like:
The elemental symbol for lead

You will like:
Jai-alai

Guest-written by DC Pierson

Potatoes

2007-04-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

Help from The Maltman
Barf noises by The Sweat

Recommendations

2007-04-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

If you like:
Sim City 2000

You will like:
Real cities

Recommendations

2007-04-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

If you like:
'30 Minute Meals' with Rachael Ray

You will like:
The Necronomicon

Recommendations

2007-04-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

If you like:
Planing a sturdy piece of Pine on a brisk Spring morning

You will like:
Chingy

Recommendations

2007-04-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

If you like:
The third season of 'Felicity'

You will like:
Keepin' it real

Like Father, Like Son, Like Son's Friend From College

2007-03-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

Big thanks to Chris, who provided these elucidative answers to my House queries:

1) Head of the Department of Diagnostic Medicine, and infectious disease specialist, and nephrologist
2) It's in Jersey. I don't know
3) It's Princeton General, yes, it's real (at least within the reality of 'House')
4) He's fairly insulated due to his near flawless record
5) He's addicted to Vicodin due to nerve damage in his leg
6) He accounts for over half of the lawsuits in the hospital, but he's also one of the most respected MDs in his field, which leaves the hospital open for grants and also gives them a higher success rate

Like Father, Like Son

2007-03-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

Questions I asked my dad while we watched his favorite show, 'House'

1. What exactly is House's job?
2. Why is everyone so good-looking?
3. What kind of hospital is this? Is it even a hospital?
4. How could House say something like that to a patient and not get immediately fired and/or sued?
5. Why does everyone keep giving House drugs?
6. Why wasn't House fired long, long ago?

Answers I received

1. I'm not sure
2. A few people aren't good-looking
3. I don't know
4. This show has such good writers
5. Something about his leg
6. When people go into hospitals now, they ask for a doctor like House

In The Mean Time

2007-03-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

Today at the supermarket deli counter, after observing a woman get extremely excited that they had chicken samples:

Me: That woman got really excited
Stranger Standing Next To Me: Excuse me?
Me: I'm sorry, that was weird

Bagels

2007-03-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

Help from The Maltman

Recommendations

2007-03-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

If you like:
The sweet/savory blend of Kettle Corn

You will like:
Reality

Recommendations

2007-03-08T14:45:00.001-08:00

If you like:
Eastern philosopher Laozi

You will like:
Confidence

Recommendations

2007-03-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

If you like:
Classical music in the Baroque style

You will like:
Ham

Recommendations

2007-03-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

If you like:
the novels of Gustave Flaubert

You will like:
Popozao

Men's Suits?

2007-03-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

The guy blocking the most awkward boy from the subway is Bobby, my improv coach. He's the raddest.

Observation I Made This Morning, In The Order That I Made Them

2007-03-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

1) The multivitamins I take make my pee bright yellow.
2) My shower drains very slowly.

by Berg (check out his new site, PoliceCat!)

Soapbox Speeches I'd Like To See

2007-03-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

Town Hall has been on fire for three weeks now, and it’s time we did something about it

Whoever has been putting their Burger King trash under my Jeep's windshield wipers--please stop

I can sweep a floor clean faster than a vacuum cleaner, and I will prove it next week at noon sharp in the town square if it kills me

What this city needs is a Ruby Tuesdays and less crime

Guitar Hero at my place this Friday. If people are into it we can order some pizza or we can just play it by ear

The rumors you’ve been hearing are true—anything Ned Simmons in accounting touches turns to gold

The town time machine has been repaired

IMDB Publicity Photo Portraits: Mark Ruffalo

2007-03-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

Soap Operas I'd Like To See

2007-03-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

Tough Street
Emotion Town
Lebron’s Aviary
Deafening Whispers
Prognosis: Tragedy
Mannheim Avenue
The Den (about good-looking teenagers who live in an opium den in Greenwich, Connecticut)
Miracle Storm

Sheepshaw

2007-03-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

Made by Dude Rock Death

QRAD FM Radio: Primetime with Phil Landry

2007-03-01T12:46:00.001-08:00

Phil Landry: I’m here today with Backwards Roger, the famous rapper. Let’s listen to a clip from one of his new songs.

Straight west-coastin’
I ain’t boastin’
Clear through the haze like a drop of Visine
Scores of ghosts in my house.
Get up out my house ghosts.
Rap is a Desert, and I’m the canteen.

PL: Backward Roger. The question on everyone’s mind: What’s the meaning behind your name?

Backwards Roger: As you know I grew up in a rough neighborhood—you had to have eyes in the back of your head if you wanted to stay alive. I just had these eyes in the front of my head, so I walked backwards everywhere and that way I could see everything at once.

PL: I see. Let’s listen to another cut off your newest album. Would you like to intro this one?

BR: Yeah yeah, this is a cut called ‘Neighborhood Girls,’ and it’s about… well, I think the rhymes will speak for themselves.

PL: Alright, let’s roll that…

Look at ‘cha shorty
All growns up
Pick the phone up
Call ya homes up
Spoons is drippin green slime
Stay away from the silverware ghost
I eat with that shit
Y’all up and ruined my dinner
I will front-kick you

PL: Backwards Roger, I have to say there’s an alarming amount of time dedicated to ghosts on your newest album, Memory Gun. Why the sudden fascination with the supernatural?

BR: Yeah, well I got these two ghosts living in my house right now. Also I’ve been getting really nostalgic lately, thinking a lot about youth and responsibility—those are the things that influenced my first single, ‘Youngblood.’

PL: Well we have a special treat for our listeners today, the world premiere of that track.

What, what
Hey now hey now
Backwarddssssss again
Killin’ it since I was ten
One friend, the city I’m in
Don’t pretend
You’se a straight daydreamer
A gutless night screamer
Gonna need a paramedic
If ya leave prints on my Beemer

(Can’t sneak up on Backwards
No you can’t sneak up on Backwards)

Wake up kid
Put your thinking cap on
Put your running shoes on
If you blink-POOF-it’s gone

(Can’t hide for a moment from Backwards
He sees you in the nook, it’s Backwards)

Prince on the box
King Cobra on the rocks
More curves ahead
Than Vivica A. Fox

Youngblood keep your eyes on the prize
No guts no glory
Gotta open your eyes

God DAMNIT ghost
What did I ever do to you?
These are my NICE shoes
These shoes cost $350
Do you have any idea how long it took me to find these?
Leave me in peace ghost!
Please just leave my home,
I’m fucking tired of this,
It’s crazy.
What? You want me to open the pantry?
Son of a bitch ghost!
I have NEVER seen that much ghost slime
Were you raised in a barn? Why the hell would you
Do your ghost slime in my pantry?
Oh crap, where’s that other ghost?
He’s in the tub?
I was gonna take a bath tonight!
You KNEW that.
This was all a distraction so the other ghost could go be a ghost in the tub,
Wasn’t it?
Wasn’t it?!
That’s it, I’m calling the cops.
…
Yes this is Roger Lucas at 114 Madrone. Yes, there are two—excuse me?
Yes, I’m Backwards Roger… Yes, it comes out next week…
You’re welcome…
Thank you, that’s very nice of you to say.

Soaps I'd Like To See

2007-03-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
Buckminster Fuller
"The Zone"
Lemon Hibiscus Mist
Essence of Tiger Cub
Ghostbusters
Lavender Waterfall
Ancient Indian Burial Grounds
Pepperoni Pizza

Brett is always late

2007-02-11T12:32:00.001-08:00

Always.